She has a boyfriend!! Whoopeee! Praise the Lord, Hallelujah, Amen. I can not even begin to explain how ecstatic I am that S. has finally gotten some semblance of a life. Which hopefully means she will spend less of her time trying to interfere in mine. But alas every rose has its thorn...it bothers me that she felt the need to rub her new relationship in E.'s face. Couldn't wait to tell him about how she is getting "serious" with her new someone. And how her man is all the man E. wasn't to her. The way I see it, when you end a relationship and you really have moved on, you don't care what your ex thinks any more. You don't want their approval, you don't want to make them jealous, and you don't feel the need to gloat. All you care about is the happiness of you and your new boo. So its obvious that she is not really there yet, which means there is a part of her that is still trying to hold on to my man, my husband.
She also continues to make comments about our marriage (I'm hearing this second hand from E.) as if it some how isn't real, as if I'm just pretending to be his wife. I recently read a fictional novel about a woman trying to shield her new husband from the conniving mother of his son, and she felt getting pregnant herself was the only way to shut the baby-mama up about the validity of their marriage. But I have no plans of going to that extreme. I do however feel that the time for us to sit down and chat is growing ever nie. I have been avoiding this inevitable conversation for years, but now I'm feeling like not only does it need to happen sooner rather than later, but it should probably be initiated by me. I'm not saying I'm going to ask her over for tea tomorrow. But before the year is out, I intend to say what I think needs to be said to her in person. Lord give me strength.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Birthday Blues
What am I supposed to say, don't go to your daughter's birthday party? What kind of horrible person would that make me? I've been telling myself all week that I was not going to make a big deal out of this, that I was going to be mature and understanding, that I wasn't going to crash the party and make a scene. But damn it that sucks!
H's birthday is really a week a way, but since she and her mother will be going on vacation for 2 weeks starting Monday(thank God!), the party will be early, tomorrow to be exact. Its at S's house, which means there is no chance that I am invited (on purpose I'm sure), but of course he has to go, and I have to let him. His entire family will be there because they don't get the whole, "your loyalty should lie with your blood relation and whom ever he is with presently, not the mother of your grandchild, niece or cousin. And that doesn't mean you love the child any less." But I'll have to deal with that in another post. Besides the fact that they all feel sorry for her because she doesn't have any family here, neither do I. I've already decided that I will do my hair to occupy my time, its something I'll need to do this weekend anyway and it will surely keep me busy for the three hours or so that he'll be gone. But as the day draws near, I can't help feeling more annoyed by the whole idea. I know she'll probably pretend that they are a happy little family again, pretend that I am not his wife now, that I don't even exist. And he will have no choice but to smile and play along because he wants his child to have a drama free and happy birthday party, after all, its what she deserves. And it is what I will give her, because I love her too. Even though this is hard for me, I know my feelings are not the most important in this situation. As hard as it is, we all (including me) have to try to do what is best for H.
I know E. has very poor communication skills when it come to S. (and sometimes me), he is the typical avoid confrontation at all costs male, so they have yet to agree upon keeping as many things as possible on neutral territory. I know it is going to take time for all of this to evolve, from what I've read a minimum of three years, but with an over bearing step-wife, with no man or life of her own, H. could be graduating High School before this settles down. I knew what I was signing up for, and I'm still in it for the long haul... there's always her birthday next year.
H's birthday is really a week a way, but since she and her mother will be going on vacation for 2 weeks starting Monday(thank God!), the party will be early, tomorrow to be exact. Its at S's house, which means there is no chance that I am invited (on purpose I'm sure), but of course he has to go, and I have to let him. His entire family will be there because they don't get the whole, "your loyalty should lie with your blood relation and whom ever he is with presently, not the mother of your grandchild, niece or cousin. And that doesn't mean you love the child any less." But I'll have to deal with that in another post. Besides the fact that they all feel sorry for her because she doesn't have any family here, neither do I. I've already decided that I will do my hair to occupy my time, its something I'll need to do this weekend anyway and it will surely keep me busy for the three hours or so that he'll be gone. But as the day draws near, I can't help feeling more annoyed by the whole idea. I know she'll probably pretend that they are a happy little family again, pretend that I am not his wife now, that I don't even exist. And he will have no choice but to smile and play along because he wants his child to have a drama free and happy birthday party, after all, its what she deserves. And it is what I will give her, because I love her too. Even though this is hard for me, I know my feelings are not the most important in this situation. As hard as it is, we all (including me) have to try to do what is best for H.
I know E. has very poor communication skills when it come to S. (and sometimes me), he is the typical avoid confrontation at all costs male, so they have yet to agree upon keeping as many things as possible on neutral territory. I know it is going to take time for all of this to evolve, from what I've read a minimum of three years, but with an over bearing step-wife, with no man or life of her own, H. could be graduating High School before this settles down. I knew what I was signing up for, and I'm still in it for the long haul... there's always her birthday next year.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Left Out
These are the moments I hate, when she can pretend that he is still her husband, and of course she'll be pretending the whole time, because she is crazy and that's what crazy people do. Tonight E. and S. are going to a mandatory orientation meeting for H.'s summer camp. He said she made it a point to let him know that he has not attended for the last 2 years, an attempt at guilting him into going, which he fell for. I of course will not be going to the meeting because a) I am only a step-parent, not a "real" parent and b) I learned from my step-wives book that me showing up in such situations only causes unnecessary drama, God knows I already have drama to spare.
Will they sit together? Will they whisper to each other during the meeting? Will everyone in the room wonder why they ever divorced because they look so nice together? Questions like these are why its so hard for me. In some ways I wish I could be a fly on the wall, in some ways I wish I didn't even know it was taking place. Its not as if they can have sex on the floor in the middle of the meeting, but any second wife with common sense feels nervous any time her husband and his ex will be "alone" in any capacity (without the new wife there to observe/supervise).
This isn't the first time, there have and will be parent teacher conferences, ice skating lessons that parents are required to attend, other meetings and orientations, things that parents do. In the age of divorce, the blended family requires that whenever possible, as much as possible, both parents participate to support the child. Which of course is great in theory, unless you happened to be married to one of those parents and have no choice but to watch your spouse go off and play happy intact family with their ex because it is in the best interest of the child. Don't get me wrong, logically of course I know it make sense for them to raise their child together, even if they aren't together, its best for H. its what might be able to keep her normal (as opposed to emotionally damaged) in the future. But being as I'm already emotionally damaged from having parents who should have divorced, but decided to stay together and fight it out "for the children." My perception of relationships and attachment can be a bit skewed at times, but that's a whole other story.
Will they sit together? Will they whisper to each other during the meeting? Will everyone in the room wonder why they ever divorced because they look so nice together? Questions like these are why its so hard for me. In some ways I wish I could be a fly on the wall, in some ways I wish I didn't even know it was taking place. Its not as if they can have sex on the floor in the middle of the meeting, but any second wife with common sense feels nervous any time her husband and his ex will be "alone" in any capacity (without the new wife there to observe/supervise).
This isn't the first time, there have and will be parent teacher conferences, ice skating lessons that parents are required to attend, other meetings and orientations, things that parents do. In the age of divorce, the blended family requires that whenever possible, as much as possible, both parents participate to support the child. Which of course is great in theory, unless you happened to be married to one of those parents and have no choice but to watch your spouse go off and play happy intact family with their ex because it is in the best interest of the child. Don't get me wrong, logically of course I know it make sense for them to raise their child together, even if they aren't together, its best for H. its what might be able to keep her normal (as opposed to emotionally damaged) in the future. But being as I'm already emotionally damaged from having parents who should have divorced, but decided to stay together and fight it out "for the children." My perception of relationships and attachment can be a bit skewed at times, but that's a whole other story.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Just trying to cope
I decided the best way for me to deal with my step-wife (term explained later) is to get her out of my head, getting my thoughts about her and our "blended family" situation down on paper, in the hopes that they will stop driving me crazy. Though I've never blogged before, journaling always helped me to collect my thoughts and gain perspective in the past. I think this will have a similar effect, but I suppose I'll soon find out.
For anyone who may actually read this, besides myself. Here is a little back ground. I am married to a great guy who happens to have been previously married to and divorced from someone else. He also had a daughter with his ex. She is a smart, funny and adorable 7 year old and I'm glad I have her in my life since my husband and I don't intend to have any children of our own. For purposes of anonymity, my husband will henceforth be referred to as E., my step-wife as S. (when I'm not calling her other names) and my step-daughter as H. Also for context purposes, a step-wife is term I learned in a book I've been reading about how ex-wives and step-mothers can learn to live with each other, or at least not kill each other. I think the term is appropriate because it speaks to the infinity of her existence in my world. Its a good book, I've found some pretty useful advice in it so far. I'm trying to find a way to cope with this situation, for my own personal growth and peace. I thought about buying a copy for S. but I doubt she'd read it, if she'd even accept it from me. (I don't know about crediting rights and such in this sort of area, but I can list the title and authors at a later date if needed.)
E. and I have been married for six months, but we've been together for more than 6 years--it took us a while to get there. I met H. for the first time when she was 2 years old, but I didn't come face to face with S. until just before we were married last year. E. did a good job of keeping us apart, mostly so that he could maintain control over the situation. But now that we have met and this whole blended family thing has really gotten underway, the dynamics are more than I can handle at times.
She isn't over him, she calls him all the time, to talk about anything other than their child. She sends him text messages at ungodly hours, when she comes to pick H. up she can't leave without making a remark about him coming to her house so that they can talk in private. I don't even want E. going to her house unless there is an emergency (which she has been known to make up in the past), not that I don't trust him, but I certainly don't trust her. This woman is insane. And I think its a life goal for her to drag me along for the ride. But I've recently decided that is trip I don't intend to take. But sometimes its so hard.
Last night E. was gone to an evening meeting, I was at home getting H. ready for bed. The phone rings, the caller id doesn't even work, but I knew it was her before I picked up the phone. She always sounds so damn chipper, its beyond annoying. Her: "Hi, is E. there?, This is S." (as if I don't know who she is) Me: "No, he's not here right now." Her: "Oh well he wanted me to call him, can you tell him I called?" Me: "Yes, I'll tell him." This was even more annoying to me because I know she knew he was not there before she called. She had to say "he wanted me to call him" as some sort of affront to me. Instead of just saying "can you tell him I called" like a normal person. Never once did she ask if her daughter was there.
Then there are the ridiculous situations she puts her child in, I swear you should have to have license to have children. When I picked H. up from her paternal grandmother's house yesterday after school, I asked if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked if she ate at her grandmother's house she said no, I asked why she doesn't want anything to eat if she hasn't already had something, she said because her mother told her not to ask me for anything and to tell me no if I going to make food for her. She'd rather let her child go hungry than have her accept food from me! Insane I tell you. Of course I told E. about this when he arrived home, he said he'd take care of it. But I don't and won't know what that actually means because I'm no longer allowed to ask what they talk about on the phone. Its a self imposed rule, again, to protect my sanity, in the past she's said some terribly inappropriate things that he relayed to me and then had to restrain me from going to harm her.
As the title states, these are my ex-files, about my husbands ex-wife, who is now my step-wife and nearly sworn enemy. With the divorce rate in America, I know my story is not unique, but i needed to do this for me, if someone else can sympathize/empathize along the way, that is a bonus. If I can get these thoughts out of my head maybe I can make a u-turn on this road to insanity, there are much better places to visit.
For anyone who may actually read this, besides myself. Here is a little back ground. I am married to a great guy who happens to have been previously married to and divorced from someone else. He also had a daughter with his ex. She is a smart, funny and adorable 7 year old and I'm glad I have her in my life since my husband and I don't intend to have any children of our own. For purposes of anonymity, my husband will henceforth be referred to as E., my step-wife as S. (when I'm not calling her other names) and my step-daughter as H. Also for context purposes, a step-wife is term I learned in a book I've been reading about how ex-wives and step-mothers can learn to live with each other, or at least not kill each other. I think the term is appropriate because it speaks to the infinity of her existence in my world. Its a good book, I've found some pretty useful advice in it so far. I'm trying to find a way to cope with this situation, for my own personal growth and peace. I thought about buying a copy for S. but I doubt she'd read it, if she'd even accept it from me. (I don't know about crediting rights and such in this sort of area, but I can list the title and authors at a later date if needed.)
E. and I have been married for six months, but we've been together for more than 6 years--it took us a while to get there. I met H. for the first time when she was 2 years old, but I didn't come face to face with S. until just before we were married last year. E. did a good job of keeping us apart, mostly so that he could maintain control over the situation. But now that we have met and this whole blended family thing has really gotten underway, the dynamics are more than I can handle at times.
She isn't over him, she calls him all the time, to talk about anything other than their child. She sends him text messages at ungodly hours, when she comes to pick H. up she can't leave without making a remark about him coming to her house so that they can talk in private. I don't even want E. going to her house unless there is an emergency (which she has been known to make up in the past), not that I don't trust him, but I certainly don't trust her. This woman is insane. And I think its a life goal for her to drag me along for the ride. But I've recently decided that is trip I don't intend to take. But sometimes its so hard.
Last night E. was gone to an evening meeting, I was at home getting H. ready for bed. The phone rings, the caller id doesn't even work, but I knew it was her before I picked up the phone. She always sounds so damn chipper, its beyond annoying. Her: "Hi, is E. there?, This is S." (as if I don't know who she is) Me: "No, he's not here right now." Her: "Oh well he wanted me to call him, can you tell him I called?" Me: "Yes, I'll tell him." This was even more annoying to me because I know she knew he was not there before she called. She had to say "he wanted me to call him" as some sort of affront to me. Instead of just saying "can you tell him I called" like a normal person. Never once did she ask if her daughter was there.
Then there are the ridiculous situations she puts her child in, I swear you should have to have license to have children. When I picked H. up from her paternal grandmother's house yesterday after school, I asked if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked if she ate at her grandmother's house she said no, I asked why she doesn't want anything to eat if she hasn't already had something, she said because her mother told her not to ask me for anything and to tell me no if I going to make food for her. She'd rather let her child go hungry than have her accept food from me! Insane I tell you. Of course I told E. about this when he arrived home, he said he'd take care of it. But I don't and won't know what that actually means because I'm no longer allowed to ask what they talk about on the phone. Its a self imposed rule, again, to protect my sanity, in the past she's said some terribly inappropriate things that he relayed to me and then had to restrain me from going to harm her.
As the title states, these are my ex-files, about my husbands ex-wife, who is now my step-wife and nearly sworn enemy. With the divorce rate in America, I know my story is not unique, but i needed to do this for me, if someone else can sympathize/empathize along the way, that is a bonus. If I can get these thoughts out of my head maybe I can make a u-turn on this road to insanity, there are much better places to visit.
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