I decided the best way for me to deal with my step-wife (term explained later) is to get her out of my head, getting my thoughts about her and our "blended family" situation down on paper, in the hopes that they will stop driving me crazy. Though I've never blogged before, journaling always helped me to collect my thoughts and gain perspective in the past. I think this will have a similar effect, but I suppose I'll soon find out.
For anyone who may actually read this, besides myself. Here is a little back ground. I am married to a great guy who happens to have been previously married to and divorced from someone else. He also had a daughter with his ex. She is a smart, funny and adorable 7 year old and I'm glad I have her in my life since my husband and I don't intend to have any children of our own. For purposes of anonymity, my husband will henceforth be referred to as E., my step-wife as S. (when I'm not calling her other names) and my step-daughter as H. Also for context purposes, a step-wife is term I learned in a book I've been reading about how ex-wives and step-mothers can learn to live with each other, or at least not kill each other. I think the term is appropriate because it speaks to the infinity of her existence in my world. Its a good book, I've found some pretty useful advice in it so far. I'm trying to find a way to cope with this situation, for my own personal growth and peace. I thought about buying a copy for S. but I doubt she'd read it, if she'd even accept it from me. (I don't know about crediting rights and such in this sort of area, but I can list the title and authors at a later date if needed.)
E. and I have been married for six months, but we've been together for more than 6 years--it took us a while to get there. I met H. for the first time when she was 2 years old, but I didn't come face to face with S. until just before we were married last year. E. did a good job of keeping us apart, mostly so that he could maintain control over the situation. But now that we have met and this whole blended family thing has really gotten underway, the dynamics are more than I can handle at times.
She isn't over him, she calls him all the time, to talk about anything other than their child. She sends him text messages at ungodly hours, when she comes to pick H. up she can't leave without making a remark about him coming to her house so that they can talk in private. I don't even want E. going to her house unless there is an emergency (which she has been known to make up in the past), not that I don't trust him, but I certainly don't trust her. This woman is insane. And I think its a life goal for her to drag me along for the ride. But I've recently decided that is trip I don't intend to take. But sometimes its so hard.
Last night E. was gone to an evening meeting, I was at home getting H. ready for bed. The phone rings, the caller id doesn't even work, but I knew it was her before I picked up the phone. She always sounds so damn chipper, its beyond annoying. Her: "Hi, is E. there?, This is S." (as if I don't know who she is) Me: "No, he's not here right now." Her: "Oh well he wanted me to call him, can you tell him I called?" Me: "Yes, I'll tell him." This was even more annoying to me because I know she knew he was not there before she called. She had to say "he wanted me to call him" as some sort of affront to me. Instead of just saying "can you tell him I called" like a normal person. Never once did she ask if her daughter was there.
Then there are the ridiculous situations she puts her child in, I swear you should have to have license to have children. When I picked H. up from her paternal grandmother's house yesterday after school, I asked if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked if she ate at her grandmother's house she said no, I asked why she doesn't want anything to eat if she hasn't already had something, she said because her mother told her not to ask me for anything and to tell me no if I going to make food for her. She'd rather let her child go hungry than have her accept food from me! Insane I tell you. Of course I told E. about this when he arrived home, he said he'd take care of it. But I don't and won't know what that actually means because I'm no longer allowed to ask what they talk about on the phone. Its a self imposed rule, again, to protect my sanity, in the past she's said some terribly inappropriate things that he relayed to me and then had to restrain me from going to harm her.
As the title states, these are my ex-files, about my husbands ex-wife, who is now my step-wife and nearly sworn enemy. With the divorce rate in America, I know my story is not unique, but i needed to do this for me, if someone else can sympathize/empathize along the way, that is a bonus. If I can get these thoughts out of my head maybe I can make a u-turn on this road to insanity, there are much better places to visit.
4 comments:
I am so glad I found your site. I need help. What do I do if I’m convinced my step-wife has already driven me to insanity?
My fiancé and have been together for 2-years and have been engaged for 1. As with most people in this situation, the ex-wife has flooded the kids’ heads with nasty comments and ideas. Lucky for me, none of her comments have changed anything since the kids really do like me.
One of the main issues I deal with, is the ex-wife uses me when it is convenient for her. She has ensured the kids school does not allow me to pick them up, but the one day she couldn’t be there, she conveniently asked my fiancé: “Can’t she pick the kids up?” Sure, of course, as long as it’s convenient for you!
I am bilingual (French & English). She can’t speak a word of French, but insists the kids be in French immersion school! She sends the kids over, telling them: “Tell her she has to help you with your homework.” Sure, of course, as long as it’s convenient for you!
But if I dare show-up to the kids’ extra-curricular activities, birthday parties, or comment about their struggles with French immersion, I am told to shut up, mind my own business, and they’re not my kids.
I have had it, going crazy, keeps me up at night, don’t know what to do.
Please help!
I am thrilled I found your site. My boyfriend has a crazy ex-wife. I am an ex-wife myself; but my ex, his new wife, and I get along VERY well - because we are all sane! I'll call my boyfriend J. J's ex is married to the man she cheated on him with 4 years ago, but she continues to make J's life (and mine) miserable by using his 2 daughters as pawns in her warped games. Their girls really like me, so she is obsessed with making negative comments about me in an effort to make them hate me. So far it hasn't worked. The ex confronted me in the dance school parking lot (screaming at the top of her lungs). I just walked away and got in the car. The ex constantly talks badly about me to J and has even tried to "dig" up things about me, including going to the court house to get a copy of MY divorce decree (I've been divorced for 8 years!) If J doesn't do exactly what the ex wants, she punishes the children. She emotionally abuses them on a regular basis. It's a horrible situation. Even though J's mom professes to hate the ex, they talk on a regular basis and have even "buddied" up against me on two occassions. J had to have the ex arrested this past spring when she burst into his house and confronted his mom, yet his mom still "pals" up with the ex. The ex wife's husband puts up with her bi-polar ways even though she calls my boyfriend every 3-4 months and asks him if they can get back together and "just be a happy family again."
My question is this: Would you do it all over again? We plan to get married, as we both love each other dearly and get along very well. We NEVER fight and we agree on most everything from child rearing to money matters. I just forsee many tumultuous years ahead and question if it is really worth the pain. I'm at a crossroads, because I love him very much, but don't know if I can put up with the craziness that the future certainly holds. I admire you for being the bigger person in your situation. I just don't know if I have that kind of strength. To make matters worse, my boyfriend has the "oh well" attitude and never EVER says anything back to the ex about anything "for the girls' sake." He believes that you can't rationalize with a crazy person, so why even try. To a great extent he is right, but it leaves me feeling demoralized when he doesn't at least say "leave Noelle out of this" when she rants and raves about me. Any advice?
My Dearest Noelle,
My advice to you would be to run away from this relationship as fast as you can. You see the problem isn't the ex, its the love of your life, not setting boundries. If he did not allow her to call, or even accept her calls, eventually this would stop. By continuing to feed her ego, she gets more persistant. Similar situation, my step-wife even shows up at my house in the mornings, at my husbands job, calls almost everyday, signs the kid up for every event possible, and makes my husband feel less of a father if he doesn't attend. The ex and her new husband, my husband now, and the 6 yr old son, would do family outings before we married, now I have a problem with it, and its all me, I'm the only problem in our marriage. The only way I would do this again is if my husband set boundries for the ex, like not calling unless it was absolutly necessary, certain days he gets the kids and on her days she be responsible. Just talk with your b/f about this and see how he handles her, if he tries to sweep it under the rug, that rug will get so tall you will never get around it, so just get out of the situation. Good lucky to you, in whatever decision you make.
T
Thank goodness for you ladies, I am somewhat in the same boat.. run is what I would tell you. My story is almost the same but we are not married have been together for almost 2 years and have a child. "They" never had a child but he did help raise the one she does have. They were together for 8 yrs and all I hear is that she was his best friend, and the only one who knew him. But then I hear how bad it was for him. She has even convinced her son that my son is his little brother.. UMMMM NO. She lives with someone but calls mine for every little thing and he jumps up and runs to her every time. In fact lately I think that he hides when he talks to her or see's her from me. He used to be very honest but now I wonder. She and I used to be friends but now not so much. I love him with all my heart but he has never said it to me the most I have gotten is one night I asked how much he loved me and he said "a little bit." I want him happy but they both need to let go and move on. Before I do. My advice to you is decide how long and how much you can handle and NEVER settle for less then what you are willing to give. Take care and good luck.
Sincerely,
In the same boat
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