Birthday Blues

What am I supposed to say, don't go to your daughter's birthday party? What kind of horrible person would that make me? I've been telling myself all week that I was not going to make a big deal out of this, that I was going to be mature and understanding, that I wasn't going to crash the party and make a scene. But damn it that sucks!

H's birthday is really a week a way, but since she and her mother will be going on vacation for 2 weeks starting Monday(thank God!), the party will be early, tomorrow to be exact. Its at S's house, which means there is no chance that I am invited (on purpose I'm sure), but of course he has to go, and I have to let him. His entire family will be there because they don't get the whole, "your loyalty should lie with your blood relation and whom ever he is with presently, not the mother of your grandchild, niece or cousin. And that doesn't mean you love the child any less." But I'll have to deal with that in another post. Besides the fact that they all feel sorry for her because she doesn't have any family here, neither do I. I've already decided that I will do my hair to occupy my time, its something I'll need to do this weekend anyway and it will surely keep me busy for the three hours or so that he'll be gone. But as the day draws near, I can't help feeling more annoyed by the whole idea. I know she'll probably pretend that they are a happy little family again, pretend that I am not his wife now, that I don't even exist. And he will have no choice but to smile and play along because he wants his child to have a drama free and happy birthday party, after all, its what she deserves. And it is what I will give her, because I love her too. Even though this is hard for me, I know my feelings are not the most important in this situation. As hard as it is, we all (including me) have to try to do what is best for H.

I know E. has very poor communication skills when it come to S. (and sometimes me), he is the typical avoid confrontation at all costs male, so they have yet to agree upon keeping as many things as possible on neutral territory. I know it is going to take time for all of this to evolve, from what I've read a minimum of three years, but with an over bearing step-wife, with no man or life of her own, H. could be graduating High School before this settles down. I knew what I was signing up for, and I'm still in it for the long haul... there's always her birthday next year.

Left Out

These are the moments I hate, when she can pretend that he is still her husband, and of course she'll be pretending the whole time, because she is crazy and that's what crazy people do. Tonight E. and S. are going to a mandatory orientation meeting for H.'s summer camp. He said she made it a point to let him know that he has not attended for the last 2 years, an attempt at guilting him into going, which he fell for. I of course will not be going to the meeting because a) I am only a step-parent, not a "real" parent and b) I learned from my step-wives book that me showing up in such situations only causes unnecessary drama, God knows I already have drama to spare.

Will they sit together? Will they whisper to each other during the meeting? Will everyone in the room wonder why they ever divorced because they look so nice together? Questions like these are why its so hard for me. In some ways I wish I could be a fly on the wall, in some ways I wish I didn't even know it was taking place. Its not as if they can have sex on the floor in the middle of the meeting, but any second wife with common sense feels nervous any time her husband and his ex will be "alone" in any capacity (without the new wife there to observe/supervise).

This isn't the first time, there have and will be parent teacher conferences, ice skating lessons that parents are required to attend, other meetings and orientations, things that parents do. In the age of divorce, the blended family requires that whenever possible, as much as possible, both parents participate to support the child. Which of course is great in theory, unless you happened to be married to one of those parents and have no choice but to watch your spouse go off and play happy intact family with their ex because it is in the best interest of the child. Don't get me wrong, logically of course I know it make sense for them to raise their child together, even if they aren't together, its best for H. its what might be able to keep her normal (as opposed to emotionally damaged) in the future. But being as I'm already emotionally damaged from having parents who should have divorced, but decided to stay together and fight it out "for the children." My perception of relationships and attachment can be a bit skewed at times, but that's a whole other story.