These are the moments I hate, when she can pretend that he is still her husband, and of course she'll be pretending the whole time, because she is crazy and that's what crazy people do. Tonight E. and S. are going to a mandatory orientation meeting for H.'s summer camp. He said she made it a point to let him know that he has not attended for the last 2 years, an attempt at guilting him into going, which he fell for. I of course will not be going to the meeting because a) I am only a step-parent, not a "real" parent and b) I learned from my step-wives book that me showing up in such situations only causes unnecessary drama, God knows I already have drama to spare.
Will they sit together? Will they whisper to each other during the meeting? Will everyone in the room wonder why they ever divorced because they look so nice together? Questions like these are why its so hard for me. In some ways I wish I could be a fly on the wall, in some ways I wish I didn't even know it was taking place. Its not as if they can have sex on the floor in the middle of the meeting, but any second wife with common sense feels nervous any time her husband and his ex will be "alone" in any capacity (without the new wife there to observe/supervise).
This isn't the first time, there have and will be parent teacher conferences, ice skating lessons that parents are required to attend, other meetings and orientations, things that parents do. In the age of divorce, the blended family requires that whenever possible, as much as possible, both parents participate to support the child. Which of course is great in theory, unless you happened to be married to one of those parents and have no choice but to watch your spouse go off and play happy intact family with their ex because it is in the best interest of the child. Don't get me wrong, logically of course I know it make sense for them to raise their child together, even if they aren't together, its best for H. its what might be able to keep her normal (as opposed to emotionally damaged) in the future. But being as I'm already emotionally damaged from having parents who should have divorced, but decided to stay together and fight it out "for the children." My perception of relationships and attachment can be a bit skewed at times, but that's a whole other story.
3 comments:
I was so happy to come across your blog. I have been trying to figure outhow to deal with with my stepwife and find others to discuss these issues with. I hope this is something you plan on continuing so we can share our horrors!
Thanks for the comment, I know I'm not the only one out there. Even though I probably won't post frequently, I know I will continue because this is place for me to vent, in an effort to keep from exploding. It actually seems to help a little. Good luck with your situation, I know I need all I can get with mine! Stay tuned...
This is just my initial reaction to your post, I haven't read everything else, so take my words with a grain of salt...
It sounds to me like the ex-wife is maintaining some control over the situation by making you feel like a second-class citizen. You can and should attend information sessions, etc. with your husband as they relate to the kids.
While it is definitely best for the kids for Mom and Dad to cooperate in their raising, they are absolutely not raising them together... they would still be married if they were. That means that Dad has someone else in his life (you) and Mom may as well.
That said, kids cannot possibly have too many people that love them. We have a psychotic ex-wife so if I weren't involved things would often not get done for the kids. She does NOTHING. But even in a situation where Mom is really involved, you should not be excluded.
We do separate b-day parties to avoid the tension of all of us being together and that works out well for everyone. The kids make out like bandits because they get two parties and we all get to enjoy it because we don't have to deal with unpleasantness.
However, if you choose not to do separate things, you should certainly not feel like an outsider for things that pertain to your stepchildren.
Hang in there. It's a tough job. Know that you will end up being so much more than "Just the Stepmom" when all is said and done.
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