She has a boyfriend!! Whoopeee! Praise the Lord, Hallelujah, Amen. I can not even begin to explain how ecstatic I am that S. has finally gotten some semblance of a life. Which hopefully means she will spend less of her time trying to interfere in mine. But alas every rose has its thorn...it bothers me that she felt the need to rub her new relationship in E.'s face. Couldn't wait to tell him about how she is getting "serious" with her new someone. And how her man is all the man E. wasn't to her. The way I see it, when you end a relationship and you really have moved on, you don't care what your ex thinks any more. You don't want their approval, you don't want to make them jealous, and you don't feel the need to gloat. All you care about is the happiness of you and your new boo. So its obvious that she is not really there yet, which means there is a part of her that is still trying to hold on to my man, my husband.
She also continues to make comments about our marriage (I'm hearing this second hand from E.) as if it some how isn't real, as if I'm just pretending to be his wife. I recently read a fictional novel about a woman trying to shield her new husband from the conniving mother of his son, and she felt getting pregnant herself was the only way to shut the baby-mama up about the validity of their marriage. But I have no plans of going to that extreme. I do however feel that the time for us to sit down and chat is growing ever nie. I have been avoiding this inevitable conversation for years, but now I'm feeling like not only does it need to happen sooner rather than later, but it should probably be initiated by me. I'm not saying I'm going to ask her over for tea tomorrow. But before the year is out, I intend to say what I think needs to be said to her in person. Lord give me strength.
10 comments:
congratulations! i hope she starts focusing on her relationship and leaves you alone...she sounds so much like mine...it's so stressful. she's all i think about sometimes, what a crazy ride this is...
Your step-wife sounds similar to mine. Words of advice -
1. don't put too much stock in her new relationship. It might not last and then things will go back to the way they are.
2. It sounds like you and your husband need to be on the same page before you have a talk with her.
3. As for important dates (birthdays, holidays, etc) either you celebrate with the whole gang or have a separate celebration with his family, you, him and H. E (and you) needs to respect his current marriage, the old one is over. It would be nice if he could put his foot down that you respect their relationship and she needs to respect yours. But HE needs to initiate that with the ex.
1. You have every right to be involved in famliy celebrations, information meetings, school conferences, etc.
2. The sit down needs to be with E and his family. They need to get that you are now the person that is in his life and S needs to be excluded.
3. Separate family celebrations are absolutely appropriate. S can celebrate H's birthday anyway she chooses with anyone but E and his family, unless of course you are included.
4. E needs to make it clear to S that the only communication that is acceptable is communication about H and NOTHING else. He also needs to make it clear that she may only contact him via his cell (or whatever) between specific times of the day, unless there is an emergency that involves H.
Just one Stepmom's opion from 12 years of experience.
Wow - I could identify with all of your posts. I hardly know where to begin.
My DH and I have been married for almost 3 years, together about 7 years. Two stepkids, no bios.
My 'stepwife' (ack, I threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that) is a psycho control freak who refuses to get over my husband. And the irony is, their life together wasn't that great, was quite hellish in fact, but to hear her tell now was an epic romance. She is skilled at revising history to fit whatever current story she's trying to tell (herself or others).
Plain and simple - it has to be your DH TO DRAW THE LINE IN THE SAND WITH HIS EX. Conversations one-on-one between you and the stepwife without his presence will be horribly twisted and used against you, don't waste your time and energy. He has to get over any guilt or whatever is keeping him from standing up for you/himself/your marriage relationship and let her know in no uncertain terms that she is no longer anything to him but the mother of his child, period. Not that this will solve her psycho behavior problems, but it will allow you and your DH to remove some of the impact it is 'allowed' to have on you and your home/relationship. My DH too was harassed relentlessly via IM, Email, Phone, visits. If he refused to take the call or return the call/message, the psycho insinuated that one of the child was ill or had an emergency so he felt as if he HAD to attend to every little contact she attempted to make...and she totally took advantage of that. Over the years, he has finally realized to maintain some control he has to handle this on his terms. Letting the call go to voice mail and then handling it, not replying immediately to emails, not engaging in conversations on IM. She was literally running/ruining our lives with her constant harassment and invasions. In this manner, he has regained some control and forced her to realize she is not as his beck and call.
You don't say what state you live in, but my state has clear guidelines about visitation and this was how we resolved the birthday situation for ourselves. In the year we have the child on their birthday, we have a private (no exes invited) party for the child along with friends the child wants to invite. In the year she has the child, she hosts the party and we do not attend. This is after a scenario such as yours where my DH was 'guilted' into attending a party in her home (without me of course) and underwent a torturous afternoon that was not a joyous event for anyone, esp not the children who clearly sensed the tension. We also attempted an incredibly uncomfortable cohosted event which was horrible and not going to be repeated either. This solution works well for all of us: every year the child gets to have a big party AND a more intimate family celebration (on the years we do not host a party, we still of course celebrate on our own with the child with dinner, cake, gifts and family members). The kids enjoy the TWO party fun.
As for the not attending school things, we've been there too. In my case, my DH WANTS me to attend with him and so I do. Talk to your DH and see what he would prefer...presenting a united front (the two of you) especially in public settings will reveal her patheticness and also hopefully control her behavior (e.g. no 'pretend intact family b.s.').
The most surreal moment was at our youngests kindergarten parent intro meeting a few years back. We sat alone in one section, she sat a row up and several seats away and turned to 'stage whisper' many questions (gotta make sure EVERYONE knows they do have a bond here!) After several of these questions, she huffed and came and sat in the empty seat on the other side of my DH. OMG it was crazy, but the surreal moment came when she reached out to remove a piece of imaginary lint from my DH's knee, and brushed it for him. I am NOT kidding you! CRAZY...hands off psycho, he's so not yours anymore!
Not to dampen your enthusiasm, but our 'stepwife' (ack!) has even remarried, but still regales all with glorious tales of her life with my DH. (she has had a blog for many years where she presents her very biased and skewed opinions of her life, past and present.)
I feel for you - I've been where you are. You can only be as strong and involved as your DH supports you: this goes to situations with his ex, to discipline for the child, to handling events with his family members. It HAS TO COME FROM HIM, otherwise you will continue to feel like a second class citizen, treated like a usurper, and disrespected.
Be strong, COMMUNICATE with your husband, do all you can to strengthen your relationship and marriage - this will benefit not only the two of you, but also your SD. Ultimately, it might even sink in to her addled brain that her past with him is PASSED.
Hey suartr-p,
You have a very wrong view of the situation at hand. You have no idea how much of a liar your DH is. As a matter of fact, I recently pointed out to your step-wife that your husband is incorporating your stepchildren into his "friendship" with another woman. Not surprising, as you were both married when you started dating as well... and of those seven years together, he was married to her for two years.
The interesting part is how you see her involvement with the kids and with THE EX. She only maintains a contact for the best interest of her children. Which, she is greatly admired for doing. She is used as an example in parenting classes and also at two of the schools for how to co-parent correctly.
Your views are misguided by a man that wishes to you maintain a misdirection... it keeps you from being to insecure regarding your relationship. Hopefully, you'll get over your vendetta against her.
There are woman out there that are awful and this woman sounds like she has to deal with some terrible situations. I feel for her and woman like her that have to go from moment to moment dealing with horrible situations. Look at the truth suartr-p�. you don�t fall under that category.
BCE Mom
I call my husbands ex, my exwife! he and i have been married for over 5 years and together a little over 6. obviously, he has moved on. she, on the otherhand, still dwells on the ex-marriage...to me! she loves to tell me about what their sex life was like...which i promptly tell her to piss off(in a nice way, of course), and she loves to let me know that she knew him in his prime. how pathetic and sick she is...and this is even when she has a boyfriend!!! maybe i shouldn't answer the phone anymore!!!
melissa
Boyfriend or not, I doubt things will change. She'll always find a reason to be jealous or cause agrivation.
My "step-wife" is jealous of the relationship the kids and I share. She won't let the kids say my name in her house. She has a boyfriend and a baby. Still drives crazy.......
I am happy to have read your blog today. I am living through a similiar situation. The exception, the so called children are 18 and 20. My husband's ex-wife is quite manipulative. In our case, our situation is based on finances. I have been journalizing my events and calling it the "The Step Wife's Chronicles."
One can always hope. Imagine a personality disorder amplifying all of your most horrible experiences with an ex-wife and the impact it has on you, your new partner, her kids, your own kids... it's a nightmare experience that isn't for the feint-of-heart.
You're not alone, friend!
http://www.thepsychoexwife.com
Ouch! Is there a war going on in your comments section here?
Congrats on the ex-getting-laid thing ... woohoo!! Hope things start to change for you. It seems like you've been through enough ... aren't you just dying for a bit of peace now?
xx
p.s. have added you to my blogroll http://fairystepmonster.blogspot.com
Post a Comment